IN LOVE WITH THE BARMAID

Every man has a ‘favourite’
barmaid. David Odongo explores
the world of the woman that wives
love to hate
We have two types of women: Those
who sulk and nag, and those who are
forever cheerful and caring.
The curvaceous beauties that are
‘man’s best friend’ are sympathetic
specialists of the male gender. They
know men inside out — how to deal
with them.
From the generous man to the hen-
pecked, the stressed, broke, honest,
simple, rich, poor and criminal man,
their skilled eyes read them all in one
second. And she treats them all
differently such that at the end of the
day, every man goes home feeling like
the king he will never be.
Oh no! We are not talking about
mistresses but barmaids — the skilled
professionals that wives love to hate.
But without them, husbands would
require lengthy therapy in the hands
of famed psychiatrist Dr Frank Njenga.
Siren
“Barmaids are a rare breed. If all
women were like them, men would
ever cheat on their wives. A barmaid
is a mother, a loving Agony Aunt and
a sex siren all rolled into one,” says
David Otieno, a regular at Nairobi
West Mall where several pubs
coalesce into a series of watering
holes.
His wife never cares to notice whether
he has had a hectic day, but if he
passes by the bar, the first thing the
barmaid says is “Leo umechoka sana
(you look so tired)” and proceeds to
‘baby’ him.
“Only the barmaid and my daughter
notice if anything is wrong. My wife is
either too busy or just doesn’t just
care,” complains Otieno.
Men in pubs talk about everything
from politics to sports, but the
conversation eventually gets back to
the barmaid. Men can argue for hours
about a subject, but when she is
called to mediate on why Greece is
broke, even university professors
calmly nod when she says Greece isn’t
broke. End of topic. Never mind that in
most cases, she was no idea about
what the drunken intellectuals are
talking about.
The barmaid is an institution within an
institution and the only reason men
talk about fashion. Everything she
wears is under scrutiny and is more
discussed than Angelina Jolie’s dress
at the Oscars. They may not notice
when their girlfriends or wives change
hairstyles, but when a barmaid paints
her nails pink, they glowingly
compliment her.
“That colour suits you kabisa, kwanza
tomorrow wear that green top,
utakuwa mrembo sana (that colour
suits you perfectly. In fact, wear that
green top tomorrow. You will look
smashing)!” they say.
Even if it’s alcohol talking, the profuse
compliment is good for her morale.
She goes home feeling beautiful even
when she would never make it to the
quarterfinals of a village beauty
contest.
But men being men still fight the
barmaid: “I asked for a Tusker and
you brought me Guinness. I am not
paying for this!” a drunken man
angrily declares.
Tips
With a smile, she takes away the
opened Guinness bottle and brings
his Tusker. A smile lights up is face
and he heavily tips her — a tip so
generous it could buy three more
Tuskers.
Barmaids hear all the problems that
bedevil men, problems that their
beloved wives will never hear.
Chances are wives are told fiction
each time their husbands come home
with their cars smashed. But barmaids
know the truth, the whole truth and
nothing but the truth because they
are sympathetic listeners, non
judgmental and providers of the
world’s greatest balm — alcohol.
Contrary to what most women think,
men never discus their wives with the
barmaids. Men go to pubs to make
merry and forget. Forget that Mama
Baby hasn’t been talking for the past
two weeks and that her ‘headache’
has been going on for months.
And unlike madam, whose lips are set
in a permanent sneer from morning
to sunset, how barmaids love to flirt!
Is it any surprise then, that men who
are married to very accomplished
women have probably slept with a
hot barmaid?
But Meshach Wanyonyi who drinks at
Roasters along Thika Road disagrees
with the intrigues surrounding the
barmaids.
“They physiologically jail you. When
you are broke, they give you beer on
credit, you are so grateful that when
she says she has a funeral, men at
the pub will contribute outrageous
amounts,” he says, adding that he has
seen sober men Mpesa money to
barmaids with whom they have no
sexual relationship.
“The only reason men love barmaids
is because they are easy. Men,
especially married ones, find chasing
girls tiresome and expensive and they
want instant solutions to their lust,
that’s where barmaids come in,”
reveals Wanyonyi.
Wanyonyi, however, warns men that a
barmaid’s job is to attract as many
men as possible so they can order as
many drinks as possible and tip (her)
the highest possible amount of
money. So they’re basically attracted
to everyone — not just you because
she seems to know your moods and
what you drink, he says.
Mzee Kariuki, a 72-year-old retired
police officer who admits he was a
rogue in his day, echoes his views.
Stroking egos
“Barmaids use body language, beauty
and sexual appeal to lure men into
parting with money. They loosen
wallets by stroking men’s egos.
Whoever said ‘women are the weaker
sex’ has never drunk beer in a pub!
Theirs is a profession that prides itself
on service — service that is friendly
and offered with a smile. But that
smile is a fake as a wedding cake!”
reveals the old man.
According to Mzee Kariuki, these girls
are trained actresses and their skills in
acting are not from some drama class
but from constant real life practice
working on men for several hours
each day.
“When you see her flirting and giving
you positive body language, she’s
actually working and is not interested
in you! So you buy her three beers,
which she never drinks but smartly
sells and pockets the money to buy
milk for her children.
But in the morning when your wife
asks for money for milk for your own
children, you rudely remind her that
money does not grow on trees!”
mocks Mzee Kariuki.
“Most barmaids act in the same
flirtatious manner with all their clients
— especially the well-paying ones. So
if you’re getting the VIP treatment,
chances are you’re paying for it,” says
the sage.
Anthony Wanjohi equally has no time
for barmaids: “I go to the pub to drink
money that I earn. I need no favours
and the only time I talk to them is
when I want another drink,” says the
accountant, arguing that the cost of
good service is already factored in the
price of alcohol anyway.
But what Wanjohi may not know is
that tipping barmaids cements
friendship, and when barmaids are
your friends, you suffer no harm in
their pubs. They will beat up women
who want to lace your drinks, protect
you from pickpockets and when you
are too drunk, they chase you out of
the bar and ensure you board a
trusted taxi back home.
Small bill
Jack, a university lecturer, recalls a
night when a barmaid who was his
friend led him to his car, locked him in
and walked off with the keys.
To begin with, he now recalls, he was
too drunk to drive anyway. Worse, he
was carrying Sh100,000 in cash. When
he pompously removed the thick wad
of notes from his breast pocket to pay
a small bill, she knew the women
around him would rob him and
whisked him to his car.
“I was so drunk I fell asleep instantly.
She woke me up at 4.30am and told
me to confirm that my money was
intact. I tipped her Sh2,000 on the
spot!” says Jack.
So much as wives and the good old
pastor may not think much of them,
the truth is that most men have, at
some point in their lives, seduced or
attempted to seduce a barmaid.
And it wasn’t about alcohol — they
were dead serious!

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:Alcohol Advice/Info as the weekend draws near..

Most people who have alcohol-
related health problems aren’t
alcoholics. They’re simply people
who have regularly drunk more
than the recommended levels for
some years.
The NHS recommends:
Men should not regularly drink
more than 3 to 4 units of alcohol
a day.
Women should not regularly drink
more than 2 to 3 units of alcohol
a day.
If you’ve had a heavy drinking
session, avoid alcohol for 48
hours.
‘Regularly’ means drinking these
amounts every day or most days of
the week.
Regularly drinking more than the
recommended daily limits risks
damaging your health.
There’s no guaranteed safe level of
drinking, but if you drink less than the
recommended daily limits, the risks of
harming your health are low.
And it’s certainly not only people who
get drunk or binge drink who are at
risk. Most people who regularly drink
more than the NHS recommends
don’t see any harmful effects at first.
Alcohol’s hidden harms usually only
emerge after a number of years. And
by then, serious health problems can
have developed.
Liver problems, reduced fertility, high
blood pressure, increased risk of
various cancers and heart attack are
some of the numerous harmful
effects of regularly drinking more than
the recommended levels.
The effects of alcohol on your health
will depend on how much you drink.
The more you drink, the greater the
health risks.
Drinkers can be divided into three risk
categories:
lower-risk drinkers
increasing-risk drinkers
higher-risk drinkers
Read about alcohol units to work out
how much alcohol there is in your
drinks.
Lower-risk drinkers
Lower-risk drinking means that you
have a low risk of causing yourself
future harm.
However, drinking consistently within
these limits is called “lower-risk”
rather than “safe” because drinking
alcohol is never completely safe.
To be a lower-risk drinker, the NHS
recommends that:
Men should not regularly drink
more than 3 to 4 units a day.
Women should not regularly
drink more than 2 to 3 units a
day.
Even drinking less than this is not
advisable in some circumstances.
Drinking any alcohol can still be too
much if you’re going to drive, operate
machinery, swim or do strenuous
physical activity.
Pregnant women or women trying to
conceive should not drink alcohol.
When you drink, alcohol reaches your
baby through the placenta. Too much
exposure to alcohol can seriously
affect your baby’s development.
If you’re pregnant and choose to
drink, do not drink more than 1 to 2
units of alcohol once or twice a week,
and do not get drunk. This will
minimise the risk to the baby.
People who drink should aim to be in
the lower-risk category to minimise
the health risks.
Increasing-risk drinkers
Drinking at this level increases the risk
of damaging your health. Alcohol
affects all parts and systems of the
body, and it can play a role in
numerous medical conditions.
Increasing-risk drinking is:
regularly drinking more than 3 to
4 units a day if you’re a man
regularly drinking more than 2 to
3 units a day if you’re a woman
If you’re drinking at around these
levels, your risk of developing a
serious illness is higher than non-
drinkers:
Men are 1.8 to 2.5 times as likely
to get cancer of the mouth, neck
and throat, and women are 1.2 to
1.7 times as likely.
Women are 1.2 times as likely to
get breast cancer.
Men are twice as likely to develop
liver cirrhosis, and women are 1.7
times as likely.
Men are 1.8 times as likely to
develop high blood pressure, and
women are 1.3 times as likely.
If you’re an increasing-risk drinker
and you drink substantially more than
the lower-risk limits, your risks will be
even higher than those above.
At these levels of drinking, you may
already have alcohol-related
problems, such as fatigue or
depression, weight gain, poor sleep
and sexual problems.
Whatever your age or sex, you’re
probably in worse physical shape than
you would be otherwise. Also, you
could easily have higher blood
pressure due to your drinking.
Some people argue a lot when they
drink, which can negatively affect their
relationships with family and friends.
Higher-risk drinkers
If you’re in this group, you have an
even higher risk of damaging your
health compared with increasing-risk
drinkers.
Higher-risk drinking is:
regularly drinking more than 8
units a day or 50 units a week if
you’re a man
regularly drinking more than 6
units a day or 35 units a week if
you’re a woman
Again, alcohol affects the whole body
and can play a role in numerous
medical conditions. You have a much
higher risk of developing alcohol-
related health problems. Your body
has probably suffered some damage
already, even if you’re not yet aware
of it.
Compared to non-drinkers, if you
regularly drink above higher-risk
levels:
You could be 3 to 5 times more
likely to get cancer of the mouth,
neck and throat.
You could be 3 to 10 times more
likely to develop liver cirrhosis.
Men could have four times the risk
of having high blood pressure,
and women are at least twice as
likely to develop it.
You could be twice as likely to
have an irregular heartbeat.
Women are around 1.5 times as
likely to get breast cancer.
The more you drink above the higher-
risk threshold, the greater the risks. So
some of the health risks can be even
higher than those above. You’re likely
to have the same problems as
increasing-risk drinkers: feeling tired
or depressed, or gaining extra weight.
You may be sleeping poorly or having
sexual problems. And, like increasing-
risk drinkers but possibly more so,
you’re likely to be in worse physical
shape than you would be otherwise,
whatever your age or sex. You could
also have high blood pressure.
At these levels, your drinking may
make you argumentative, which might
damage your relationships with family
and friends.
Read about alcohol support to find
out who can help you with problem
drinking.

Mother Subjects 11 Year Old Daughter to Prostitution

A woman in Ohio, Jacqueline Torro Williams..Midwestern United
States is set to face felony prostitution
charges for subjecting her 11 year old
daughter to prostitution .
The girl told authorities that under the
orders of her 37-year-old mother
Jacqueline Toro-Williams , she used to
go for door to door prostitution for
just $40 several times a day.
“It would start from the afternoon
and it would end at like 7 [a.m.] the
next day,” the girl, who is not being
named by authorities, said according
to Raw Story news site.
The woman also allegedly drove her
daughter to different apartment
complexes in their neighborhood and
force her to engage in prostitution
with men in exchange for money and
drugs, Zampelli said. The activity went
on for at least a year or more, mostly
in 2007, he said.
After a year she got pregnant but got
a miscarriage.She fled with one man
to Mexico with whom she has a baby
boy and baby girl .
The 37 year old mother who is also a
prostitute is currently held in an Akron
jail for subjecting her 11 year old
daughter to prostitution .

Ugandan Woman Turn Into Snake,Plot to Promote Witchdoctor

With more and more talk going on
about a Ugandan woman who turned
into a snake in Juba ,new information
has emerged that it was a plot by an
opportunistic witchdoctor to earn a
great name among unsuspecting
people ,more especially to get more
customers for his business.
The Witchdoctor connived with a
radio station (Bakhita Radio) in South
Sudan to make to the alarming news
that he had actually turned a young
lady into a snake after she stole
money.The witty witchdoctor made an
arrangement with police men near a
the police station where the alleged
miraculous incident had taken place.
The long term plan of a witchdoctor to
promote himself was some time later
tuned into a short term money getting
venture,Policemen guarding Malakia
police station where the lady was said
to be guarded started collecting dues
from impatient crowds gathered
outside.To see the reported Snake
lady,one was supposed to part with a
lot of money.
Conditions to enter the room
No one is was supposed to take any
picture while inside the room.
It is not allowed to look at the snake
directly.

Since no one was supposed to take
any picture or look directly at the half
snake lady, the only opportunity to
look at her was on computer.A Video
on YouTube called Half Snake Half
Woman in Indonesia was the one
shown instead of the real Ugandan
woman who was said to have turned
into a snake.
The group manipulated these
unsuspecting viewers with many other
videos about similar stories of ladies
who have reportedly tuned into
snakes .It was after wiser people
discovering that they were actually
being shown videos that have existed
on the internet for a long time.
More about the witchdoctor who
changed a woman into a snake
The same witchdoctor apart from
making such a great scheme is
reported to have also hit somebody
with lightening in broad day light and
with no rain,Every one wondered how
he did it but locals say it happened ,is
the story of Ugandan woman who
turned into a snake true?

..are these things or stories ever true..?? never been the superstitious type..

Original recipe for Jack Daniel’s found in Welsh book of herbal remedies

The original recipe for legendary American whiskey Jack Daniel’s has been discovered in a book of herbal remedies in Wales, it has been claimed.

The history of Jack Daniel’s is a mystery because the distillery’s early records were destroyed in a courthouse fire

Businessman Mark Evans, 54, was researching his family history when he discovered the recipe in a book of herbal remedies.

It was written in 1853 by his great-great grandmother who was called Daniels and was a local herbalist in Llanelli, South Wales.

Her brother-in-law left the Welsh town at about the same time to move to Lynchburg Tennessee where the Jack Daniel’s distillery was opened three years later.

And the Jack Daniel’s website states the founder of the distillery was from Wales.

Mr Evans says the ingredients in his great-great grandmother’s recipe match what goes into the best selling whiskey in the world.

He said: “I’m pretty sure I’ve discovered the original recipe in great-great grannie’s book.

“I was doing some family research, looking at photographs and things, and I wanted to look at the family bible.

“At the bottom of the bookcase was this book.”

Mr Evans’ grandmother Lillian Daniel’s Probert, who is 97 and living in Llanelli, can recall her own grandmother using the book to make herbal remedies and ointments.

He said: “My great, great-grandmother wrote in the book in 1853, and Jack Daniel’s is dated 1866, so it predates it.

“There is a link, because my grandmother’s grandfather’s brother – my great, great uncle – left for America and nobody ever heard from him after a couple of letters.

“That was during the time that Jack Daniel’s was set up, but more important than that, he was called John ‘Jack the Lad’ Daniel’s.

“We know he went to Lynchburg Tennessee and I’m pretty sure he used great-great grannie’s recipe to start off the whiskey business.”

The history of Jack Daniel’s is a mystery because the distillery’s early records were destroyed in a courthouse fire

A spokesman for the company said: “We know our founder was from Wales – we would love to see the book and the recipe.”

 

Ripley’s Beieve or Not!! Announces its top 11 strangest stories of 2011..

After countless hours of research, Ripley’s Believe It or Not! is proud to share its “Top 11 Strangest Stories of 2011.”

click on the links to see full story..

  • Indian Man with 39 Wives, 94 Children and 33 Grandchildren: It’s a safe bet that Ziona Chana would not be impressed watching “19 Kids and Counting” or “Sister Wives.” The 66 year old Indian man has 39 wives, 94 children and 33 grandchildren. They all live together in a four-story, 100 room building. “I once married 10 women in one year,” he said. He’s proof that there’s still hope for Kim Kardashian. Link
  • Implanting Organs in the Name of Art: Australian artist Stelarc spent 10 years before finally finding a surgeon who would give him an ear transplant – in his arm. Huh? His implant will eventually be fitted with a microphone and a transmitter so all can listen in on what his arm is hearing. “It isn’t for my benefit,” he says. “I have two perfectly good ears, but it’s to explore the idea of me becoming an acoustic device for other people.” Stelarc, let us know if you ever get tickets to a Paul McCartney concert and remember to wear short sleeves. Link
  • Liechtenstein for Hire at $70,000 a Night: What’s cooler than renting out a swanky Vegas hotel penthouse for a night? How about your own country? For $70,000 you can rent out the entire country of Liechtenstein. You and 149 of your closest friends can spend the night, sip wine with the prince, go sledding, ride in a horse-drawn carriage and more. There’s one catch – the country’s 35,000 residents get to stay while you pretend to own their homeland. Link
  • Blind Dog Gets Own Guide Dog: What do you do when your guide dog goes blind? Easy, you get him a guide dog. Graham Waspe’s lab Edward lost his eyes to glaucoma, so he enlisted Opal, another guide dog to steer them both. Link
  • “Cemetery Collector” with 29 Bodies Arrested: Russian police arrested a man for digging up 29 female corpses and turning them into life-sized dolls dressed in period costumes. Most were faceless, some wore blond wigs. Link
  • Alabama Company Turns Gun Lovers’ Ashes into Ammunition: Talk about “you’re fired!” An Alabama company called Holy Smoke will turn cremated ashes into ammo so family and friends can fire off a few rounds of Grandpa. A pound of ash gets you about 250 shotgun shells. Talk about going out with a bang!  Link
  • Mexican Vampire Woman Maria Jose Cristerna Immortalized in Wax by Ripley’s: This strange story started right in the Ripley’s F/X department, as Maria the Mexican Vampire Woman came in to receive a full-body cast that will allow Ripley’s artists to make an exact mold of her body and create life-size wax figures of her. Maria, who has horns, fangs and head-to-toe tattoos, said “It’s my vampire dream to be immortal!” Trust us – she’s far more interesting and personable than any of those Twilight vampires. Link
  • Stop Wearing Bunny Suit, Police Tell Idaho Man: Police in Idaho Falls told a man to stop wearing a bunny suit in public after townspeople complained he had been frightening children. Some residents felt the 34 year old man went tutu far when he donned a skirt with his bunny suit. Others came to the defense of this rare hare, saying “he’s got a strange lifestyle at home, but we all do weird things at home.” Link
  • Airport Geese to be Cooked for Poor: In what could be called a real-life game of angry birds, New York City Airport officials hatched a plan to get rid of hundreds of nuisance geese by killing them and shipping them off to food banks in Pennsylvania. Evidently, they are being shipped out of state because hungry New Yorkers didn’t like where the birds have been.  Link
  • Missus in a Bottle: Richard Morwood was stunned to discover that his wife is the same girl whose message in a bottle he answered 30 years ago. Mandy English was 13 when she went searching for a pen pal with a note in a bottle. Morwood, then six years old, found her bottle washed up on a beach and wrote her back. The two didn’t realize the amazing coincidence until 2011. Link
  •  Japanese Tsunami Survivor Found 10 Miles Out at Sea: 60 year old Hiromitsu Shinkawa was rescued after the devastating tsunami in Japan; he was found on the roof of his floating house two days later – nearly 10 miles out at sea. Link

It looks like a mushroom, feels like a mushroom, smells like a mushroom.. Then it must be a mushroom. ..

A whole village in China confused a rubber vagina for a rare mushroom. The double headed sex toy was thought to be a mystical rare fungus that grows underground and has ability to give immortality. When villagers from Liucunbu, a rural community outside western Chinese city of Xi’an encountered the ‘rare mushroom’ when drilling a well shaft, they alerted a local news station which immediately sent Yunfeng Ye to cover this once in a lifetime discovery.

Ye, the reporter, interviewed different people and even a few who were considered very knowledgeable on such matters. On her final report, she also included vast amount of research she had undertaken on the ‘mushroom’ in question. The report opens with Ye proclaiming the discovery of the mysterious object, the likes of which “not even an 80-year-old local man has seen.”
“It has an eye and a nose, but we don’t know what it is,” said a man at the scene.

At the end of the report, Ye and the villagers finally proclaimed the ‘mushroom’ to be a type of lingzhi, a shelf fungus of the Ganoderma lucidum species. She added, “When the Emperor Qin Shi Huang [the First emperor of China] was on the hunt for the secret to longevity, it is said he discovered this lingzhi was the answer.”

As with any other news story, that was supposed to be the end of it, except that this was not any other news story. Some viewers immediately recognized that the ‘rare mushroom’ was infact a sex toy modeled after female genitalia. The video went viral and most comments lauded the villagers, reporter’s and entire station’s purity.

The station later issued an apology. “Our program last night made everyone laugh, Our reporter is very young and sheltered.”