IN LOVE WITH THE BARMAID

Every man has a ‘favourite’
barmaid. David Odongo explores
the world of the woman that wives
love to hate
We have two types of women: Those
who sulk and nag, and those who are
forever cheerful and caring.
The curvaceous beauties that are
‘man’s best friend’ are sympathetic
specialists of the male gender. They
know men inside out — how to deal
with them.
From the generous man to the hen-
pecked, the stressed, broke, honest,
simple, rich, poor and criminal man,
their skilled eyes read them all in one
second. And she treats them all
differently such that at the end of the
day, every man goes home feeling like
the king he will never be.
Oh no! We are not talking about
mistresses but barmaids — the skilled
professionals that wives love to hate.
But without them, husbands would
require lengthy therapy in the hands
of famed psychiatrist Dr Frank Njenga.
Siren
“Barmaids are a rare breed. If all
women were like them, men would
ever cheat on their wives. A barmaid
is a mother, a loving Agony Aunt and
a sex siren all rolled into one,” says
David Otieno, a regular at Nairobi
West Mall where several pubs
coalesce into a series of watering
holes.
His wife never cares to notice whether
he has had a hectic day, but if he
passes by the bar, the first thing the
barmaid says is “Leo umechoka sana
(you look so tired)” and proceeds to
‘baby’ him.
“Only the barmaid and my daughter
notice if anything is wrong. My wife is
either too busy or just doesn’t just
care,” complains Otieno.
Men in pubs talk about everything
from politics to sports, but the
conversation eventually gets back to
the barmaid. Men can argue for hours
about a subject, but when she is
called to mediate on why Greece is
broke, even university professors
calmly nod when she says Greece isn’t
broke. End of topic. Never mind that in
most cases, she was no idea about
what the drunken intellectuals are
talking about.
The barmaid is an institution within an
institution and the only reason men
talk about fashion. Everything she
wears is under scrutiny and is more
discussed than Angelina Jolie’s dress
at the Oscars. They may not notice
when their girlfriends or wives change
hairstyles, but when a barmaid paints
her nails pink, they glowingly
compliment her.
“That colour suits you kabisa, kwanza
tomorrow wear that green top,
utakuwa mrembo sana (that colour
suits you perfectly. In fact, wear that
green top tomorrow. You will look
smashing)!” they say.
Even if it’s alcohol talking, the profuse
compliment is good for her morale.
She goes home feeling beautiful even
when she would never make it to the
quarterfinals of a village beauty
contest.
But men being men still fight the
barmaid: “I asked for a Tusker and
you brought me Guinness. I am not
paying for this!” a drunken man
angrily declares.
Tips
With a smile, she takes away the
opened Guinness bottle and brings
his Tusker. A smile lights up is face
and he heavily tips her — a tip so
generous it could buy three more
Tuskers.
Barmaids hear all the problems that
bedevil men, problems that their
beloved wives will never hear.
Chances are wives are told fiction
each time their husbands come home
with their cars smashed. But barmaids
know the truth, the whole truth and
nothing but the truth because they
are sympathetic listeners, non
judgmental and providers of the
world’s greatest balm — alcohol.
Contrary to what most women think,
men never discus their wives with the
barmaids. Men go to pubs to make
merry and forget. Forget that Mama
Baby hasn’t been talking for the past
two weeks and that her ‘headache’
has been going on for months.
And unlike madam, whose lips are set
in a permanent sneer from morning
to sunset, how barmaids love to flirt!
Is it any surprise then, that men who
are married to very accomplished
women have probably slept with a
hot barmaid?
But Meshach Wanyonyi who drinks at
Roasters along Thika Road disagrees
with the intrigues surrounding the
barmaids.
“They physiologically jail you. When
you are broke, they give you beer on
credit, you are so grateful that when
she says she has a funeral, men at
the pub will contribute outrageous
amounts,” he says, adding that he has
seen sober men Mpesa money to
barmaids with whom they have no
sexual relationship.
“The only reason men love barmaids
is because they are easy. Men,
especially married ones, find chasing
girls tiresome and expensive and they
want instant solutions to their lust,
that’s where barmaids come in,”
reveals Wanyonyi.
Wanyonyi, however, warns men that a
barmaid’s job is to attract as many
men as possible so they can order as
many drinks as possible and tip (her)
the highest possible amount of
money. So they’re basically attracted
to everyone — not just you because
she seems to know your moods and
what you drink, he says.
Mzee Kariuki, a 72-year-old retired
police officer who admits he was a
rogue in his day, echoes his views.
Stroking egos
“Barmaids use body language, beauty
and sexual appeal to lure men into
parting with money. They loosen
wallets by stroking men’s egos.
Whoever said ‘women are the weaker
sex’ has never drunk beer in a pub!
Theirs is a profession that prides itself
on service — service that is friendly
and offered with a smile. But that
smile is a fake as a wedding cake!”
reveals the old man.
According to Mzee Kariuki, these girls
are trained actresses and their skills in
acting are not from some drama class
but from constant real life practice
working on men for several hours
each day.
“When you see her flirting and giving
you positive body language, she’s
actually working and is not interested
in you! So you buy her three beers,
which she never drinks but smartly
sells and pockets the money to buy
milk for her children.
But in the morning when your wife
asks for money for milk for your own
children, you rudely remind her that
money does not grow on trees!”
mocks Mzee Kariuki.
“Most barmaids act in the same
flirtatious manner with all their clients
— especially the well-paying ones. So
if you’re getting the VIP treatment,
chances are you’re paying for it,” says
the sage.
Anthony Wanjohi equally has no time
for barmaids: “I go to the pub to drink
money that I earn. I need no favours
and the only time I talk to them is
when I want another drink,” says the
accountant, arguing that the cost of
good service is already factored in the
price of alcohol anyway.
But what Wanjohi may not know is
that tipping barmaids cements
friendship, and when barmaids are
your friends, you suffer no harm in
their pubs. They will beat up women
who want to lace your drinks, protect
you from pickpockets and when you
are too drunk, they chase you out of
the bar and ensure you board a
trusted taxi back home.
Small bill
Jack, a university lecturer, recalls a
night when a barmaid who was his
friend led him to his car, locked him in
and walked off with the keys.
To begin with, he now recalls, he was
too drunk to drive anyway. Worse, he
was carrying Sh100,000 in cash. When
he pompously removed the thick wad
of notes from his breast pocket to pay
a small bill, she knew the women
around him would rob him and
whisked him to his car.
“I was so drunk I fell asleep instantly.
She woke me up at 4.30am and told
me to confirm that my money was
intact. I tipped her Sh2,000 on the
spot!” says Jack.
So much as wives and the good old
pastor may not think much of them,
the truth is that most men have, at
some point in their lives, seduced or
attempted to seduce a barmaid.
And it wasn’t about alcohol — they
were dead serious!

Ugandan Woman Turn Into Snake,Plot to Promote Witchdoctor

With more and more talk going on
about a Ugandan woman who turned
into a snake in Juba ,new information
has emerged that it was a plot by an
opportunistic witchdoctor to earn a
great name among unsuspecting
people ,more especially to get more
customers for his business.
The Witchdoctor connived with a
radio station (Bakhita Radio) in South
Sudan to make to the alarming news
that he had actually turned a young
lady into a snake after she stole
money.The witty witchdoctor made an
arrangement with police men near a
the police station where the alleged
miraculous incident had taken place.
The long term plan of a witchdoctor to
promote himself was some time later
tuned into a short term money getting
venture,Policemen guarding Malakia
police station where the lady was said
to be guarded started collecting dues
from impatient crowds gathered
outside.To see the reported Snake
lady,one was supposed to part with a
lot of money.
Conditions to enter the room
No one is was supposed to take any
picture while inside the room.
It is not allowed to look at the snake
directly.

Since no one was supposed to take
any picture or look directly at the half
snake lady, the only opportunity to
look at her was on computer.A Video
on YouTube called Half Snake Half
Woman in Indonesia was the one
shown instead of the real Ugandan
woman who was said to have turned
into a snake.
The group manipulated these
unsuspecting viewers with many other
videos about similar stories of ladies
who have reportedly tuned into
snakes .It was after wiser people
discovering that they were actually
being shown videos that have existed
on the internet for a long time.
More about the witchdoctor who
changed a woman into a snake
The same witchdoctor apart from
making such a great scheme is
reported to have also hit somebody
with lightening in broad day light and
with no rain,Every one wondered how
he did it but locals say it happened ,is
the story of Ugandan woman who
turned into a snake true?

..are these things or stories ever true..?? never been the superstitious type..

..Try this..fried Marijuana for supper..:An Embu Family mistakenly consume it with ugali for supper..

A 16-year-old girl did the unthinkable when she mistakenly confused marijuana for vegetables and prepared them for dinner.
This baffling incidence occurred in Kiarimui Township, Runyenjes, Embu County. Courtesy of http://www.Nairobiwire.com
Njeru, a high school teacher, is an enthusiastic farmer whose shamba flourishes with vegetables both during the rain and dry seasons. The vegetables are indigenous and of unique varieties — some from as far as Western Kenya.
That particular evening, his wife requested her niece who had come visiting for the holidays to get the vegetables as she prepared ugali. However, her niece, Jackie, was not conversant with most vegetable varieties and was reportedly, eager to try out any vegetable plant that she stumbled on.
However, when the food was ready, something peculiar happened. The lastborn child, who was the first to be served, started smiling after a few bites and fell into deep sleep.
The others, who ate with relish, also kept smiling sheepishly, apart from Jackie since she was eating her ugali with sour milk.
Shortly after, the smiles graduated into helpless laughter. Something as petty as a lizard darting across the wall would send the whole family reeling with laughter.
“Finish up, we need to go to bed,” Jackie said innocently, sending her cousins wild with laughter.
Drama escalated when the head of the family suddenly became irritable. Out of the blue, he attacked his wife, complaining that she was overworking his niece.
This agitated his wife who tried to defend herself. But when Njeru raised his hand to slap her, like her sons, she burst into uncontrollable laughter. Nevertheless, she still hurled a few choice insults at him
According to Jackie, the whole situation started generating into an absurd movie. The air was filled with unreasonable shrills and shrieks forcing her to scream for help.
Some of the family’s immediate neighbours who quickly responded were heard whispering about a curse having befallen the family. Others talked of witchcraft and ghosts.
But a village elder who was present suggested that the family seek medical attention. Njage, a neighbour, quickly rushed them to a nearby dispensary in the family car. Not that it was easy herding the laughing lot into the car.
At the dispensary, the nurse, after carrying out elementary tests, demanded to know what they had eaten. Jackie described the meal she had prepared and was asked to get a sample of the ‘vegetable’ before treatment could commence because according to a nurse, their meal contained a hard drug.
A close associate of Njeru later disclosed to Crazy Monday that the schoolteacher has been secretly growing marijuana in some secluded parts of his shamba. No one knew it. Not even his wife of 12 years.
While marijuana is a banned drug, few Kenyans know how it looks like.

High school students have been known to plant it in flowerbeds right beneath the Principals’ noses while many housewives only learn the strange looking herb on the farms is contraband when their husbands get arrested

By Evelyne Njeru for the standard.

Radio Jambo Caller Killed After Exposing Her Devil Worshiping husband…

On Monday, a woman from Butere sent Radio Jambo a bizarre text message and minutes later they called her. She narrates the story of how her husband has acquired massive riches within a very short period of time. They have lost their two children in two years and curiously on a similar date.

ImageShe told Radio Jambo’s Gidi how the husband became rich every time their child died. After the first death, the husband bought two vehicles, and after the second, he bought six motorcycles.
In their six room house, their is one room she is forbidden from accessing, but events that happened just recently made her break the door and find out what is hidden inside. On one evening, she was not feeling well and so the husband was preparing the food. She was shocked to find him stirring soup with a dried up human hand. They argued terribly and the following day she decided enough was enough, the door was coming down. What she found in the private room is a scene straight from a horror movie. Several private parts and human heads.
On confronting her husband, he was very unapologetic and promised to kill her just as he had killed their children. She was told that she would drop dead the minute she walked out of that house. When the woman called Radio Jambo, she was still in the house but unfortunately, her husband came and killed her moments later.
follow this link to listen-in on the conversation..

..accentuated account of the machakos country bus incident..

A Kao’s recount of that incident some time back….Recall that Machakos country bus
blast? There was a Kao guy there,
having soda. Here is his recount of
what happened when interviewed by
some Tv guys.

Reporter: Briefly tell us what happend
here at Machakos country bus.

Mutunga: kusema okweli siyawai sikia
mulivuko kama usu! nilikua ninakunda
kasota vaya kwa ile kivanda ya
kokokola nikingoyea ile mbasi ya kule
kwetu inaitangwa katethya usu.
Nakwambia vunda si vunde, kuvumba
na kuvumbua, vulombox ya white
ilikua na ioo ndinted ikalucha kivulusi
ambacho nilisuku ni manguluneti ya
mbomu, kwasavavu vile ililusya, ata
siyui niseme aye!
nilisikia Tua… Tua… Tuaaaaa! kusitukia
nilikuta kwa ngunia ya makovisi huku
kwa ngeiti ya muthulwa…! kuangalia
kwa mkono,asiisi…! Supa ya sota
hakuna…! Siyui nitaambia mwenye
nduka aye.! Kwa sambambu aliachwa
na ndivositi yangu na supa yake
imelivuliwa na io mulivuko…tavathali
naomba silikali ituangalie
tukombenzeitiwe…asandeni..ni mimi
wenyu Mutunga.

Not to make fun of the incident…or in any way belittle it…bt the accent was too much to pass…Laugh..or at least smile ..